Magic and Mayhem: Risky Witchness (Kindle Worlds Novella) Read online

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he said.

  “Yes, because then maybe you’d shut up.”

  She did have a nice body, but really, I just wanted to clean us up and… shit. She still had spines in her ass.

  Chapter 2

  Motel Hell

  Millie

  Ethelred was right.

  This was Hell. No denying it. Oh my Hecate, everything hurt.

  Especially my ass.

  My tongue had grown some kind of fungus, or at least that’s what it felt like. Dear Goddess, please let that be hyperbole.

  Holy fuck, even thinking a word that big hurt my brain.

  I tried to roll over, but my ass felt like… like it had when I’d sat on Prick. Had I sat on…

  …

  A prick?

  No, I didn’t feel tampered with otherwise.

  Except there was someone in bed next to me. Someone with a great gun show. And perfect ha—Ethelred was in bed with me? What had I done?

  “I can actually feel you freaking out right now. Go back to sleep, will you? It’s too early, and you’re too hung over to deal with this,” he drawled.

  “Deal with what? We didn’t, um…”

  “No. We didn’t. We are, however, closer than I’d like to be with any creature. You lost your Fairy Juice all over me and yourself. Hence your nakedness.”

  “You bathed me?”

  “Someone had to. I wasn’t sleeping in a bed with someone covered in their own filth. No thank you. I also pulled the spines out of your ass. Yes, I’ve seen you naked. No, I don’t care.”

  He didn’t care? That burned just a little bit. Not that I wanted him perving on me while I was passed out, but he was a demon. He didn’t think I had something to offer?

  Then I remembered I’d showed everyone my something to offer last night. Damn AC/DC. Why couldn’t I be lucky enough to have him forget my drunken antics, so I didn’t have to relive the humiliation sober?

  No such luck.

  I remembered every gory detail.

  I put my hand over my face, as if I could hide from what had happened.

  “I shouldn’t have had that much to drink.”

  “Chock it up to an experimental time in your life, and move on. More importantly, go back to sleep.”

  “Demons sleep?”

  “This one does because he has no magick. Do close your mouth.” He rolled over to face her. “Or perhaps you’d like to put it to other uses?”

  Rather than be offended, I grinned. “I don’t think so. I’ve got one mouth and you said something about the number seven. I’m so not on board with that.”

  He closed his eyes. “Pity.”

  I studied him. His hair, even after sleeping, was still perfect. It must be a demon thing. Or a holdover of his power. Something. Or that was some serious product.

  “Now what?” he mumbled.

  “I was contemplating your hair.”

  “Nice, isn’t it?”

  “Rather. Disgustingly so.”

  “You can touch it if you promise to lay down and go to sleep.”

  “I don’t want to sleep. I’m awake now.”

  “Yes, you do.” He grabbed me and pulled me against him.

  He was naked.

  I was naked.

  And holy shit, there was only one of those, but there might as well have been seven. That thing was large and in charge.

  “I can’t sleep when I’m under threat like this.”

  “It’ll go to sleep too, if you do. Just close your mouth and be silent for another fifteen minutes.”

  “I didn’t invite this holding business.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  I didn’t recall anything of the sort, but the guy had stripped me down and bathed me after I puked on him. So, I guess as long as he didn’t try anything funny, this was okay. It was kind of nice, if I let it be.

  “There you go, witchness. Settle in.” He stroked a hand over my hair.

  We stayed like that for a long time. I didn’t sleep, I just let the demon on my shoulder snuggle me. Some people wrestled with their demons. Apparently, I snuggled mine.

  I was just about asleep when a pounding came at the door.

  Ethelred was on his feet in seconds. “Whoever that is is so lucky I don’t have my power. I’d send them to the Shit Swamps in the 83rd circle. The one where we bury liars and poisoners up to their lips.”

  He was so Old Testament. I guess I liked an old-fashioned guy.

  He flung the door open, in all of his naked glory.

  There definitely weren’t seven. Just the one. I was sure it was looking at me.

  “I… Well, hello.”

  “Another porcupine. I don’t have all day to pick spines out of the witch,” he grumbled. “Are you here for Prick?”

  “I’m Prudence. You both said I should come by today?” The porcupine stood up on her back legs and transformed into a beautiful woman with the loveliest iridescent wings. She was lithe and golden, her skin shimmering with fairy dust.

  Ethelred wasn’t fazed. Not by her transformation, not by being naked in front of a stranger—he didn’t care. He opened the door wider. “By all means, do come in.”

  Prick was in a ball asleep on a chair. Prudence picked him up gently while he snored and sat down, keeping my familiar in her lap and of all things, petting him. Apparently, her skin was immune to his spines.

  If only, right?

  I rubbed my butt under the covers. It was still sore, damn it. I remembered everything from last night, except Prudence.

  “We’re here to talk about you taking over Bob’s,” Prudence prompted.

  “Bob’s?”

  “The bar? Last night? How drunk were you?”

  I wrapped the sheet around myself. “Pretty drunk, actually. Apparently, I puked on my charming companion.” I summoned a glass of water. “Would you like something?”

  “No, thank you. Since you don’t remember Bob’s, let me refresh your memory. I’m the Fairy Juice distributor for this county. Bob has,” she sighed dramatically. “He’s not fulfilled his contract with us. He’ll be returning to fairy lands to face the tribunal for his crimes. Which means… Someone needs to run Bob’s.”

  Had I actually said out loud that I was going to open a strip club for supes? I needed to double check. “Was I talking to you about the strip club? One side for norms, another for supes, and still another for Shifters? Because that’s just insane.”

  I laughed.

  She didn’t.

  “Just insane enough to be profitable.” Prudence smiled, and glitter exploded from her fingers. “Sorry about that, I was just so excited by the idea. I’ll of course work there with you as a sort of partner. I have to keep an eye on our investment.”

  “I don’t know if this is such a good idea. I mean, I’ve got these student loans, and I can’t run the place if I end up in the slammer with no magick, you know?”

  Prudence waved her hand. “Why not give it a try on a trial basis? Then, after you’ve paid your loans, we could consider if we want to make it permanent. I totally understand being conservative about committing to a fae contract.”

  “Does Prick know you’re a fairy?”

  “We haven’t talked about it yet. I was snuffling for some of those mini pumpkins last night when we met.” She bit her lip. “Did you know there are no pumpkins in fairy lands? They’ve all been turned into carriages.”

  “You don’t really have any other options, do you?” Red asked me.

  He was right. I was staring down the barrel of an ugly gun if I didn’t do something. Was this worth it? It was possible this would piss off the powers that be in Assjacket.

  I saw a brick of dollars on the table that had been painstakingly uncrumpled and sorted. Yeah, if that was a night’s take for an impromptu topless dance on a table, it was totally worth it.

  I nodded to Prudence. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

  “Great.” She snapped her fingers and a large binde
r appeared. “Contract is in the front. We’ll require you to do some remodeling, but since you’re a witch, it shouldn’t be an issue.”

  “I’ll take that,” Ethelred said. “Contracts are a specialty of mine.”

  Prudence smiled. “Of course they are. I would count this dimension lucky that you’re powerless here.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m powerless.”

  Was he still naked? I was relieved and a little disappointed to see he’d pulled on his slacks. His obliques drew my eye, those slacks hanging like—focus, Millie. Focus.

  Wait, how did Prudence know he was a demon?

  I snuck a look at him.

  I supposed, up until now, I’d doubted the veracity of his claims. I mean, how the hell—no pun intended—does he not have power here? I don’t know, I thought it was all kind of bullshit.

  But Prudence recognized him for what he was immediately.

  He didn’t seem evil. Naughty, maybe. That friend that you call when you want someone to do the insane with you, not talk you out of it. He was fun, always up for most anything. He didn’t sacrifice goats, or eat babies. He was just…

  I tried to picture him with horns and tail.

  I’m a little ashamed to say I found that image, well, hot as hell.

  His hard mouth curved into a smile as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

  But he couldn’t know what I was thinking. He was powerless, right? RIGHT?

  I kept thinking about our conversation about his fast-moving tongue. Goddess, what was wrong with me? I needed a lobotomy.

  “This is great. I think we should go look the place over in the light of day while your demon goes over your contracts.”

  Ethelred was thumbing through the pages, marking things out, writing things in, shaking his head and mumbling to himself.

  I agreed, and Ethelred waved us off. “I’ll be over in a minute, and this will be ship-shape.”

  I still needed to get dressed, so I magicked myself a pair of jeans that made my ass look phenomenal—no, kidding. That’s what the manufacturer promised. They made your ass look phenomenal or your money back. Had to love magick designers. Anyway, I added some Louboutin flats and a “I’m A Delicate Fucking Flower” t-shirt.

  Because I am. I can’t do prison time. Not with this face.

  Or this attitude. Goddess, but I’d end up transformed into a constantly erupting shit volcano in some hell dimension for the kind of smack I tended to talk.

  Yeah, this strip club thing had to happen. At least long enough that I could pay back those stupid loans.

  Emerging from my sheet fully clothed, I followed Prudence, who was still carrying a snoring, snuffling Prick over to Billy Bob’s Boobie Bar, or wherever it was we’d been that night.

  In the cold, harsh light of the morning sun, the place was, in a word, a shitheap.

  Looking at it now, I couldn’t believe I’d ever decided to sit in a place like that, let alone touch anything inside to my lips.

  “Oh, honey. No.” Prudence shook her head. “It really wasn’t that bad last night. The Fairy magick that made it what it was is gone. That’s in your favor. If you use your magick, your cut is going to be more.”

  “Here’s the thing, I’m not really supposed to use my magick for personal gain. I’m supposed to help people.”

  Prudence winked at her. “I have just the thing to get around it. Offer some back door services.”

  “Excuse me?” I spluttered.

  “I forget you humans think everything is about sex.” She shook her head. “Not that back door. You know, like… charms and medicinals and such.”

  I wrinkled my nose. I’d rather actually be a stripper than listen to people whine about what was wrong in their lives. There some things magick couldn’t heal. Lack of common sense, grief or anger—those were the roots of most everyone’s problems.

  But if it would help me…

  That really wasn’t in the spirit of the whole thing. I was still doing it to benefit myself. Helping for my own—fuck it. When you get right down to it, at its most base, being prosocial was self-beneficial. Helping others had outward and inner reward.

  She snapped her fingers and produced a brochure. “I’m sure you have your own ideas, but this was just off the top of my head.”

  Huh. Not too shabby. Healing massage, aroma therapy, energy work, facials—oh good. No anti-aging. Those were illegal. But I could heal some of the causes of aging… This fairy was a tricky dicky. I was suddenly very grateful to have Ethelred going over my contract with them.

  I was actually pretty great with the energy work. People did the cleansing themselves, I just gave them the key to the baggage they carried around. I could have a Hungarian mud room…

  “So, show me how you envision this place?” Prudence asked.

  I decided not to try too hard, just to let my magick do whatever it wanted with the place.

  I was not disappointed.

  The rundown shack became super modern, ultra-sleek glass building surrounded by a moat. The mounted letters on the front read, “Boobies” with a logo of a Sula nebouxii, that is to say, a blue-footed Booby. A bird.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled. It was promptly changed to “The Mandrake.” Yeah, I liked that much better.

  Prudence smiled. “Let’s go inside, shall we? I can’t wait to see what you’ve done with the place.”

  Me either, if I was honest. This had hatched fully formed from the depths of my subconscious. There was really no telling what was going on in there.

  When we walked inside, it was minimalist but classy. So far, so good. Signage hung, helpful but not garish, to direct patrons to where they wished to go.

  A sign to the back for the magickal services. The Mandrake Spa. Not too shabby.

  Supes to the left.

  Shifters to the right.

  Wait, what did I just see?

  I tried to imagine it, but I didn’t want to. All I could see was a tiny raccoon shaking what she got on a table, wearing a bikini top for each set of teats.

  No, surely not.

  I peeked inside and sure enough, right there, on the middle pole was the rump shaking raccoon of my nightmares.

  What had I done?

  Chapter 3

  Ethelred

  This whole strip club for supes wasn’t a half bad idea. When I got home, I was going to open my own. It would be good for the soul business, too, which was my favorite way to spend a day.

  For a moment, going over that contract for Millie, I’d felt so in my element, I did it for free. I missed Acquisitions.

  To be honest, for all my protestations about having other talents, I felt useless in this dimension. I hadn’t had a vacation in centuries, but with no powers, it wasn’t really a vacation. It was more like punishment.

  I was determined to pull my own weight. The little witch really did have enough on her plate. That didn’t mean I had any plans to stop goading her. I mean, really. A demon has to have some fun.

  I especially enjoyed that mottled look she got when she was ready to smite me. I’d allowed myself to fantasize about what exactly a smiting from that particular witch would involve, and I wasn’t opposed.

  Turning to look at her while she questioned the bear Shifter who’d applied to be a male stripper, I watched her brow furrow as she looked over the questions she’d planned to ask.

  “How long were you at your last job?”

  “Just a few months. Construction. It was great because they shut down in the winter and I could hibernate, but they’ve gone to snow removal and winter services to keep everyone on the payroll.” The big Shifter shrugged. “That’s all well and good for the norms who work for him, but I couldn’t very well say, sorry man, I gotta go hibernate for the winter.”

  “So why do you think this is a good fit for you, Justin?”

  He smirked. “Cause I ain’t gotta hide who I am here. I got a nice body, both as man and bear. I can make better money than in construction. Or that’s what Wayne
told me. He works for a club in Texas and just rakes it in.”

  I saw her bite down on her lip, worrying it between her teeth as she considered. Made me think about what else she could do with that mouth. I was getting distracted. If I wasn’t raising Hell or recruiting, I needed to do something besides think about getting that witch into bed. Down that path was only pain.

  If I was honest—which I always was—it was much more fun bringing someone to ruin with the truth rather than a lie, but I digress. I wasn’t ready for another relationship. The one with the angel had gone sour. You blow a guy’s horn once and they think it’s a forever kind of thing. I was really just into the whole forbidden aspect of it all. You know, star-crossed heaven and hell and all that.

  But not Emilian. I was waiting for him to have another turn on The Great Wheel. Of course, I’d never been a patient sort. Probably why I was in Hell instead of upstairs.

  I didn’t want to think about Emilian, or the dull ache in my chest that was an ever-present reminder of what I’d lost. So instead, I’d stir the pot. Drum up a little entertainment for us all.

  “Justin, why don’t you show us what you have to offer.”

  The bear grinned. “Sure.”

  He stood and I nodded to Millie. “Some music, if you please.”

  Millie flicked her finger and some NIN began to play. It was nice to know that some things stayed the same in different dimensions. Although, the bass line was lower, it was still good.

  Justin the Bear, still in human form, began to move his body to the rhythm and began pulling off his clothes. He seemed to be having a great time. He’d be a good hire.

  I noticed that Millie wasn’t looking at him, not like she was looking at me. She watched me watch him, her eyes alight.

  So that was her secret kink, was it?

  Time to have a little fun.

  Those dollar bills I’d lifted from that possessed vending machine were paying off in a big way. I pulled one out of my wallet, and Justin danced over to me.

  I’d been on fire before. Being a Crown Prince of Hell, that tended to happen. But not like this. The witch’s eyes made me feel like I was ablaze.