Magic and Mayhem: Risky Witchness (Kindle Worlds Novella) Read online

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  Risky Witchness

  Saranna DeWylde

  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  More Magic and Mayhem

  Acknowledgments

  A big thank you and smooches to Robyn Peterman for allowing me to pose my Barbies in her sandbox. I had so much fun.

  Thank you to Renee George for the beautiful cover.

  Last, but definitely not least, thank you to Virginia Nelson for edits.

  Chapter 1

  Just Outside Assjacket, WV

  Hillbilly County (Ethelred’s name for it)

  Millie

  My name is Millie Mandrake.

  I’m witch-faced drunk right now. That is to say, not drunk enough. My life has been a series of one cautionary tale after another. This current shitshow is a prime example.

  “Yer sorrows ain’t gonna drown in Fairy Juice, kid.” The porcupine on the table next to me said.

  “Yeah, well there’s no Fairy Juice in the pokey, either. So, I’ll take it while I can get it.” I pushed a small bowl over to him. “Stop lecturing and catch up.”

  “I don’t touch the stuff.” He bristled.

  “Listen here, Prick. Stop ruffling your spines. If you shoot me right now, so help me—”

  “Cool it, sweetcheeks.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “What did you just say to me?”

  A sniff of disdain from the other side of me caused me to turn my head. He’d been so quiet, I’d forgotten was Red was there. Which was normally very hard because he was literally the demon on my shoulder. Powerless, except for his ability to talk me in to doing stupid things.

  “Are we quite finished in Hillbilly Hell?”

  “Look, Red. You’re not—”

  “Red? You know I abhor that name. Ethelred is the name, witchness. Hellfire is my game. Don’t forget it.”

  “You’re a little impotent right now, though, aren’t you, demon boy?” I smirked.

  “Boy?” He rolled his eyes. “I have existed longer than heaven or hell.”

  “Still impotent. No magick. No demon power. Nothing but your fast-moving tongue.” Shit, probably shouldn’t have said that. He’d run with it.

  “Plenty of people throughout history enjoyed my fast-moving tongue, thank you.” He picked up his water glass, but found it lacking and didn’t bring it to his lips.

  I’d admit, Ethelred was pretty hot. He reminded me of Gavin Rossdale in Constantine, if you’ve seen that. Suit and all.

  And his hair… You know, that just wasn’t fair. No magick at all and it was still perfect. Friggin’ perfect. I’d believe he was a demon for that alone.

  Couldn’t let that distract me, though. I downed another shot of Fairy Juice. “Well, we’re staying in this ‘Hillbilly Hell’ until the Baba Yaga gets back from 1983. She’s going to a Madonna concert.”

  “I was very disappointed to see this… Carol. That is not my Baba Yaga.” Ethelred’s mouth thinned into a disapproving line. “My Baba Yaga is Seraphim.”

  “Well, this is a parallel world. Can’t help it, now can I?” I pushed the bottle at him. “Have some Fairy Juice. It really makes it all better. Or you could at least stop harshing my chill.”

  “Your chill,” he drawled, “is going to be extra harshed if prison here is as you say. You should know, just because you dragged me through that devil-forsaken portal, I’m not going with you. Or putting money on your books. Or giving you crunch.”

  “Crunch?” I wrinkled my nose. “Sounds like an STD.” I downed yet another shot of Fairy Juice.

  I had to make some money. My student loans were coming due and, if I didn’t pay them, they could take my magick. My own fault. I’d knew this day was coming, and I was so sure I’d have found something by now. All of my classmates had.

  I guess because I’d ripped a hole in our universe during Masters Conjuring, I should count myself lucky I’d graduated at all. You know that meme about trying to boil water and summoning a demon instead? That’s me.

  But I was Valedictorian, damn it, hole in our universe aside.

  “Fucking Prick,” I muttered.

  “Hey, it isn’t my fault that you didn’t look before you sat down.” Prick’s cheeks were full of pumpkin, and he squeaked as he ate.

  “That really is the most undignified sound,” Red added.

  Yeah, I know he hated when I called him Red, even in my head. It was like…he knew, but it was really the only power I had over him. I could annoy him. I liked annoying him. If I was stuck with him, and he had no magick, I might as well get some entertainment out of it. As a demon, he should understand that.

  “Yeah,” he chomped. “Being a porcupine is totally dignified.” He took another bite and squeaked with abandon. “So is being named Prick,” he added with his mouth full.

  “I wouldn’t have named you Prick if you hadn’t acted like a prick. Your fault.”

  “You’re not wrong.” He chomped and smacked. “Damn, this is good.” He looked up at me. “You got another one?”

  “No. It’s bad enough that you’re a prick. You’re not allowed to be a fat prick.”

  The porcupine gasped. “Rude!” He shook his butt. “I happen to like my curves.”

  “It’s not the curves I’m talking about, and you know it. I happen to be very body positive. You know too much pumpkin makes you an asshole the next day.”

  “What is with your need to describe me with unsavory human body parts?” Prick dunked his head into the bowl of Fairy Juice.

  I laid my head down on the table. “Fuck it. I’m just going to be a stripper. I’ll just stand around and people can give me money to look at my boobs.” I sat up and looked down at my cleavage. They were pretty nice, if I was being honest. This was no time for fake humility.

  I squeezed them together and shoved them at Prick. “What do you think?”

  He shrugged, still gnawing on the pumpkin. “I’d sleep there, if you’d let me.”

  “Aww, I wish we had that kind of relationship. But you shoot spines in your sleep.”

  He shrugged again and continued eating.

  I turned to Ethelred. “What do you think?”

  “They’re not the best I’ve seen, but then again, you do only have two.” He nodded slowly. “For only having a pair, they’ll get you by.”

  That was so not the answer I wanted. Wait, why was I trying to get Devil Boy to look at my tits? No. He was not my target market.

  My ego was a little deflated, if I was being honest. He was male. He should’ve been entranced by my cleavage. Even my gay warlock friends loved them. I always thought breasts were like pizza. Even if they’re bad, they’re still good. And mine weren’t bad. They were full, firm, and bouncy.

  I shimmied so they’d jiggle a little bit. Yeah, they were great.

  Maybe he was doing that thing where he was trying to break me down so I’d be more attainable.

  His eyes
were drawn to the jiggle. So he wasn’t immune. Good.

  I straightened my shoulders, feeling a little bit more in control. Although, that was probably a mistake. If I kept jiggling, I was going to get seasick and puke. No reason to waste good Fairy Juice.

  “It’s a bit more complicated than just standing there. Can you dance?”

  I pouted. “Why do I need to dance? I have these!” I squeezed them again. “Someone should give me a dollar.”

  Ethelred pulled out a wallet and removed a single, extra crisp dollar bill and casually tucked it into the front of my tank top. His hands were warm—hot, even. Or maybe that was my face. I liked that much too much and, from the expression on his face, he knew it.

  “There you go, dollface.” He winked at me. “One to get you started.”

  I didn’t question where he’d gotten the wallet or the money. He’d probably swiped it off someone. But the dollar burned between my breasts, and my Fairy Juice soaked brain decided that maybe we wouldn’t mind Ethelred’s hands on us again, in a much more intimate fashion.

  Couldn’t think about that. Had to think about the problem at hand.

  An old jukebox in the corner blared to life, and I took it as a sign. AC/DC’s Shook Me All Night Long blared, and what’s a witch supposed to do when Brian Johnson wants to be knocked out with American thighs?

  Oblige him, of course.

  It’s everyone’s stripper song.

  Ethelred offered me his hand to help me up onto the tabletop. “By all means.”

  I should’ve known if the demon thought it was a good idea, it probably wasn’t. But I kept swilling the Fairy Juice as fast as the waitress would bring it to me.

  I shook all my cakes, just like AC/DC told me to, and when the waitress took off her apron and climbed on the table with me, I wasn’t surprised when the next song was Highway to Hell.

  Ethelred

  I probably shouldn’t have tucked that dollar into her cleavage, but it really was just too enticing to leave alone. I had to give the little witch a boost. I’d been pretty hard on her since she ripped me out of my world and into this one.

  Her cleavage was actually very nice. The witch was the whole package, really, but I have no interest in the whole package. The only thing I want to do is get back to my own dimension where I can raise a little Hell. Close a few contracts.

  And enjoy my place as heir apparent to the Big Boss. I never thought I’d want to promote up, but after Caspian promoted up to Bigger Boss and Hades came back as Big Boss, well… if you want to make policy changes, you’ve got to be in a position to do that.

  This, right here, was currently bullshit.

  I also haven’t had a decent cup of Earl Grey since I’ve been here. That’s the worst part about it. I can live without my demonic powers. I have other skills I’ve taken care to hone. I still seem invulnerable to magick or all mortal perils. Except the witch’s. I really don’t care for the direction this is heading.

  I’m not about being saved or redeemed. That’s not who I am. I’ve been in love, and it didn’t change who I am.

  What I am.

  There isn’t going to be any of this “love makes me a better person” nonsense. I am who I am.

  The last person I loved died, that’s the easiest way to explain it. His soul was in pieces, and he was infected with a terrible evil. An evil worse than anything I could conjure. But I loved him. I loved the bits of his soul I saw in others. I didn’t love him for his strengths, but his weaknesses. Being a demon gives me a unique perspective on human weakness and frailty. It’s really what makes you so spectacular.

  Contrary to popular belief, most of us demons don’t hate you. We enjoy you. We’re fascinated by you. Our job isn’t to hurt you, it’s to teach you. Sometimes, those lessons come with pain.

  Yeah, having fallen for a man didn’t make me immune to the sexy woman in front of me. My taste ran to the whole buffet. Who’d want to only have one thing for all of eternity? How boring would that be? If I had to label it, I suppose it my classification would be “pansexual.”

  I looked up at the long legs in front of me and at the ass that Little Miss Witchness had just shoved in my face. It was a nice ass. I wondered what she’d think if she knew I was a prince? Not just any demon, but a Crown Prince of Hell. I thought it was fancy. I rather enjoyed my flaming crown and my wings.

  My wings! I missed them. Even if having them caused me to go through too many suits.

  Something else that was terrible about this wretched dimension.

  The view was nice, though. Other revelers had started to gather round our table and they were throwing dollar bills at the girls fast and furious.

  I nudged Prick. He waddled over to me. “Whatchoo want, demon?”

  “I want you to pick up those dollar bills so we have a place to stay for the night.”

  “Gross. Those have been… who knows where they’ve been. I don’t wanna know.” Prick shook his head.

  “Look, your witch isn’t supposed to use her magick for herself, right? So she could conjure a place for us to stay, but wouldn’t it be better if we just got a hotel room?” I sniffed. “Or a... whatever this Hillbilly Hell has to offer us.”

  The porcupine shrugged. “Yeah, okay.”

  He scrambled around the table looking for dollars and gathered them all together while Millie danced. I kept expecting someone to come over and ask her to get down, or not to take off her shirt, but no one did.

  The bartender seemed like he didn’t even notice the ruckus that had erupted. Several other patrons had also gotten on top of their tables, and it was suddenly like Sodom and Gomorrah up in here.

  A fun place to party for a little while, but we all know it ends badly. Being turned into a pillar of salt is not good for my hair.

  “I think this is a bad idea,” Prick said to me.

  I grinned. “Isn’t it just?”

  “You know, Millie is a sweet kid. You shouldn’t—”

  “She’s definitely not a kid. She’s a witch grown.” I wasn’t about to endure a you-should-be-nice speech from a fucking porcupine. And I was being nice. I helped her up on the table. I gave her a dollar. I was collecting her take to pay for our lodgings. I’m a polite motherfucker.

  “Mmmhmm.” The porcupine eyed me. “I saw that earlier. Don’t think I didn’t.”

  “Saw what?” I was actually being taken to task by a…

  “What passed between you two. Wait until I’m asleep before you bump uglies. I don’t want to know.”

  I arched a brow. “Bump uglies? You’re a foul little beast. But, like I said, she’s only got one pair of breasts. I like my women with two or more heads and six breasts. A tail is nice, too.”

  “You’re disgusting. And why ever would you want to deal with anything that had more than one head?” The little creature wrinkled his nose.

  I leaned down to whisper to him. “For all of my cocks, of course.” I laughed. Of course, I didn’t have to have seven penises, but that’s what was great about being a demon. I could, if I wanted to.

  Prick squeaked and his spines flew from his body, aimed at me. “You keep yer damn hands and cocks off my witch!”

  At his shout, Millie stumbled, her ankle twisted, and she flopped on top of me. I caught her easily, but Prick’s spines didn’t touch me. Somehow, they all found purchase on Mellie’s ass.

  She yelped and twisted to glare at him. “You are suck a prick!” she yelled.

  “He has seven cocks!” Prick yelled back.

  Millie turned toward me so fast I was pretty sure she had whiplash. “What?”

  I simply smiled.

  She reached her hand down between us. I wasn’t expecting her to go for the gold, but she did.

  Squeeze.

  “Feels like just one to me.” She slurred her words. “Is it like, Medusa?” She struggled to focus on me. “Cause I’d sign up for that, I mean, as long as we had a safe word. I’d try it.”

  I laughed again. She was an advent
urous sort. I could admire that about her, but we definitely weren’t finishing this conversation while she was drunk.

  I hoisted her up.

  “Stop touching her.”

  “Do you want to carry her?” I asked in all seriousness.

  “You know I can’t carry her.”

  “Then get out of my way, so I can. Unless you want to leave her here?”

  “Damn you,” he sneered.

  I laughed again. “Why yes, I am, thank you. It’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me this whole trip.”

  Even without my demon power, the witch was easy to carry. I liked carrying her. She smelled good.

  Until the Fairy Juice made a reappearance.

  Contrary to popular belief, demons do not enjoy chunky pea soup being spewed at them. Or Fairy Juice.

  How undignified.

  I had to stop calling this place Hillbilly Hell. Even Hell had better accommodations.

  I carried her the rest of the way to the small no-tell motel and Prick produced the cash. The way the clerk leered at us through the glass, I wished I had my power. I’d turn his foul gaze back inside himself.

  Even without my power, I had a sense about people. He was scum. He was the reason there was a Hell, and when he was dead, he’d burn. I could still see it in his eyes, the fire that waited for him.

  “God, will you slow down?” Prick huffed and puffed as he waddled behind me. “I can’t keep up with your stupid long legs.”

  “The room is right here. See?”

  Room 14. I’d take it, because I knew it was really 13. Hotels and motels didn’t have 13th floors and neither would some of them have a Room 13. It was just a number, but I liked it.

  Really, I’d take anything just to have a hot shower.

  There was no way I was putting the witch in bed with Fairy Juice vomit on her shirt. So I carried her into the bathroom.

  “No getting my witch naked,” he squealed.

  “Again, cleaning vomit. Not doing anything with my seven cocks. You’re welcome to come in and watch.”